Underwear

During the height of covid I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks. The Hospital was great, But I couldn't have any visitors or packages. So I basically layed there fermenting. I'm okay now. But I just read that my undewear became sentient, has escaped from a government lab, and is rampaging across the Pacific Northwest.

Granpa

So, I sent a spit sample to one of the DNA ancestry sites. No real surprises. No polecats in the henhouse. But while others find out they are distant relatives to Kings, artists, or historical figures, it seems that the Spanish side was really just Visigoths. You know, that barbarian germanic tribe that left almost no art, almost no architecture, no written language, and who's only contribution to history was to sack Rome, almost wiping out western civilization and plunging Europe into the dark ages. Yup, sounds like my family alright. Oh yeah, they lost Spain to the Moors as well. Thanks Granpa! Very proud.

Red

I’m sitting in a diner... Me: Is the Romanian Steak made from a real Romanian? Server: I don’t know. I’m new here. Swear to God. This just happened. ... My vacuum robot is programmed to sense when I’m in the kitchen and get underfoot. It’s just like my grandmother. ... I just met my friend’s new girlfriend. Turns out you CAN put lipstick on a pig. Deep red.

Art

I’m studying a new martial art called “buk bukgah”. It’s based on the noise a chicken makes when it runs away.

So today I was at a crossroads. I could either: 1. Go to work to earn money to exchange for food and shelter. Or... 2. Stay home and watch “Godzilla vs Space Godzilla”. Life is hard.

Lo

After many years of effort and fortitude I have finally achieved a life long goal that I have been striving for lo all these years. At last. I don’t have a single piece of clean underwear. I find myself forced to relent and do some laundry. Wait... there’s still the smell test!

Use

What use is all the Beauty in the universe if there are no eyes to see it? No brains to know it? No hearts to feel it?

third

I have two eyes and three detached retinas. How the fuck does that work!? I guess my old hippie girlfriend was right about that “third eye” shit. Actually I just think my warranty’s up. I knew I should have bought the extended.

meaning

The meaning of life is to pass your DNA to the next generation... in the most disgusting filthy way possible.

Orange

I think we are all being a little hard on the guy. He knew he was different from the start. All those around him were just, you know, small. He was yuge. He tried his best to fit in, spraying himself with Testors orange #4. But as all the others sang songs about chocolate and the immorality of chewing gum, he only dreamed of forcing tenants out of their homes and shitting on a solid gold toilet. He was especially distraught after his only role model was turned into a giant blueberry. Leave he would, leave to find his real father and the immigrant wife of his dreams. So he to grabbed the most life-like of his road kill collection and with his tiny tiny baby hands arranged it ever so carefully on his head. Off he went. He had heard from his father's friend that his real father was on the Naughty list, but he did not care. He didn't care about his real father's shady business practices or mob ties, he was off to New York to meet his destiny...

hungry

I saw that Adam Sandler was almost eaten by a cheetah the other day. It's a lose-lose situation: Sandler's still alive to make movies and there's still a poor starving cheetah out there who's still hungry.

merry

All Santa left me was a lump of coal. Then he took a dump and didn't flush. AND the god damned reindeer left holes in the roof. Merry fucking Christmas. (copyright 2012 christmassucks.org)

see

Not too long ago it was my parent's 50th wedding aniversary. At the party I asked my cousin "How do you celebrate 50 years of the Holocaust"? Now their 58th is coming up Tuesday. Someone I know said "It's so cute when you see these really old couples still together". Not when you see them up close it's not.

shape

I'm in shape. The shape is ovoid.

wash

What is camping to me? Camping is spending a weekend with a bunch of people who don't wash their hands after they take a shit.

hopped

Twas a moonlit night, a year ago today I think. Something white, large, and preternaturally fluffy hopped hopped hopped in front of my car.

I may have been able to swerve at the last second except I was busy trying to upload porn on my new 3G phone. There was a sickening "THUMP", "CRUNCH", "SPLAT" and final "squishhhh" as the impact knocked the phone out of my hand. "God damn it. What was that?". I contemplated driving on. What if that was a person? If they are at least a documented alien I might get in trouble. So, I pulled over. God damn it all right. there was a long ear and that fluffy tail stuck in the grill. About 100 feet back or so, there was a broken figure lying in the road. As I got closer the damage became clear, The body had one tire track running through it. And as for the head, well all that was left was a couple of buck teeth, a whole lot of bloody goo, and the other long white ear. But... "Oooooh, free candy!" There was chocolate eggs, jelly beans, peeps, ALL kinds of good stuff spilled all over the road. Lucky for me someone had left this basket lying there. So I grabbed all the candy I could and headed back to my car.

The two little girls sat there, mouths agape.

"Uncle Rich... do you think... wasn't that the Easter Bunny?"

"Ummm I don't know. It shouldn't have been in the road at night anyway".

Tears started to well in their perfect little eyes. Then they asked in fragile little voices, voices that had never known one ounce of pain or unhappiness:

"But... you didn't leave..."

The littlest stopped to wipe her eye

"You didn't le, le... leave him there? Didn't you help him? sniff'

"Helped?... I helped myself to ALL THAT CANDY!" "HA HA HA" I chuckled. "But anyway, I didn't need to do anything, the highway department eventually comes around to clean up stuff like that".

"BWAAHHHHHhhhh"

Instant bawling as if they understood there would be no more Easter magic.

"Sniffle, snort... BBBWWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Girls, girls PLEASE. Don't cry, It's OK. everything's fine. It's OK. I promise. "

"Really? it's OK? Really?" they sniffled.

"YEAH. Even though the next day was a holiday, I was able to find a car wash. They cleaned all that blood and brains and shit off my car!"

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

given up

My elderly mother keeps telling me she's "going to buy a facebook" and keeps asking me to find out how much they cost. I've given up explaining.

right

When I was a teenager, 32 felt really old. 48 seemed ancient. Turns out, I was right.

up

Oh my God! Within about three seconds, I've been at my fucking job for 10 years. They even gave me a "All of Your Dreams Have Formally Been Crushed" certificate to hang over my desk. In another 10 years, they'll give me a "Your Health Has Been Destroyed" Pin. sigh... So, does anything in the world signify that you've "given up" more than a chicken parmigiana hero at 03:00 AM?

old fashioned

I just finished a Hungryman Dinner. I'm not use to not knowing what part of the chicken I'm eating. Could be elbow? Could be cat? One piece had a little bit of wing, a little neck, a few ribs, as if someone took a whole chicken, mashed it into a ball, cut it into pieces, and threw them into the deep fryer. Maybe Swanson just can't afford a slaughterhouse anymore and just runs them over with a car. They do have that "splayed" bones pointing everywhere look of roadkill. Well, I guess that's why they sell it as good old fashioned American country cooking.