dirty

I don't read the NY Post. I just look at the dirty pictures.

driving

I know. I used to think that driving an Audi was the penultimate indicator of being a douche. But the cigar just left the Audi in the dust. Cigars not only display to the entire world that you are a phallic sucking megalomaniacal prick, but also that you must impose your douche stank on all those unlucky enough to be within 30 feet of your bloated ass. There is nothing in this world that is a more definitive indicator of being a douche than smoking a cigar. That is unless it's smoking a cigar while driving an Audi.

prepared

I've always believed the people who took Latin in school were convinced someone would invent a time machine and they wanted to be prepared. Same thing with fencing.

eyes

No matter what I do, my sweatshirts always shrink when I wash them. It makes no difference if I use warm water, cold water, or hang them to dry, they always shrink. That is, except for two sweatshirts I bought at Walmart a couple years ago. Who'd of thought? Those Chinese political prisoners sure do make a nice shirt... right before they sell their hearts and their eyes.

improving

People tell me I live in a bad neighborhood. One of the ladies I used to work with went so far as to call it a "ghetto". I don't know. It has it's conveniences. Like: I live halfway between a bodega and a crack house. Unfortunately, the whorehouse down the street had to close, you know, recession and all. Also, there are more resident landscapers per mile than the entire United States (or Central America). And during hurricane Irene I never lost power or cable. Someone was murdered on the next block and his house was burned down, but hey, the previous murder was across the street. So I guess the neighborhood's improving.

baby

There is nothing in this world more delicious than dead animal, except maybe dead BABY animal.

change

I just read that some company bought the rights to one of the favorite films of my childhood and is going to change it into a Mexican porno about anal sex. It's called: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.