giant

For Halloween tomorrow I'm going out as a giant dick... Now if I can only think of a costume.

it

Just saw Transformers 3. It was seizure inducing fun for the whole family. Well, maybe not the WHOLE family. Certainly not special "Ronald". Or your cock-eyed cousin. Or your grandmother. But your friend with the lisp and the Motley Crew tattoo will love it.

celebrate

This past weekend my parents have been married 57 years. How do you celebrate 57 years of the holocaust?

sleep

They say that people who are married and have children live longer. That's true. But for every diaper you've changed, I've gotten two hours of sleep.

expiration

You know, the eighties weren't so great. But they weren't so bad either. It was the last decade I didn't have to wear a hat. The last decade I owned a comb. And the last decade where I didn't have to worry about the expiration date of my shampoo.

secret

I found out how to make tofu look and taste just like chicken. The secret is... use a lot of chicken.

face

Remember back in grade school, there was always that girl who was like: "Mrs Johhhhnson, you forgot to give us hoooommmework." I always wanted to punch that little bitch right in the face. Well... I think she's all grown up and now works with me.

life

Woo Hoooooooo! It's finally happened. I've won the lottery!!! Who says dreams don't come true? Now I just have to figure out how to make $5.00 last the rest of my life.

dirty

I don't read the NY Post. I just look at the dirty pictures.