Twas a moonlit night, a year ago today I think. Something white, large, and preternaturally fluffy hopped hopped hopped in front of my car.
I may have been able to swerve at the last second except I was busy trying to upload porn on my new 3G phone. There was a sickening "THUMP", "CRUNCH", "SPLAT" and final "squishhhh" as the impact knocked the phone out of my hand. "God damn it. What was that?". I contemplated driving on. What if that was a person? If they are at least a documented alien I might get in trouble. So, I pulled over. God damn it all right. there was a long ear and that fluffy tail stuck in the grill. About 100 feet back or so, there was a broken figure lying in the road. As I got closer the damage became clear, The body had one tire track running through it. And as for the head, well all that was left was a couple of buck teeth, a whole lot of bloody goo, and the other long white ear. But... "Oooooh, free candy!" There was chocolate eggs, jelly beans, peeps, ALL kinds of good stuff spilled all over the road. Lucky for me someone had left this basket lying there. So I grabbed all the candy I could and headed back to my car.
The two little girls sat there, mouths agape.
"Uncle Rich... do you think... wasn't that the Easter Bunny?"
"Ummm I don't know. It shouldn't have been in the road at night anyway".
Tears started to well in their perfect little eyes. Then they asked in fragile little voices, voices that had never known one ounce of pain or unhappiness:
"But... you didn't leave..."
The littlest stopped to wipe her eye
"You didn't le, le... leave him there? Didn't you help him? sniff'
"Helped?... I helped myself to ALL THAT CANDY!" "HA HA HA" I chuckled. "But anyway, I didn't need to do anything, the highway department eventually comes around to clean up stuff like that".
"BWAAHHHHHhhhh"
Instant bawling as if they understood there would be no more Easter magic.
"Sniffle, snort... BBBWWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"Girls, girls PLEASE. Don't cry, It's OK. everything's fine. It's OK. I promise. "
"Really? it's OK? Really?" they sniffled.
"YEAH. Even though the next day was a holiday, I was able to find a car wash. They cleaned all that blood and brains and shit off my car!"
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
