Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Orange

I think we are all being a little hard on the guy. He knew he was different from the start. All those around him were just, you know, small. He was yuge. He tried his best to fit in, spraying himself with Testors orange #4. But as all the others sang songs about chocolate and the immorality of chewing gum, he only dreamed of forcing tenants out of their homes and shitting on a solid gold toilet. He was especially distraught after his only role model was turned into a giant blueberry. Leave he would, leave to find his real father and the immigrant wife of his dreams. So he to grabbed the most life-like of his road kill collection and with his tiny tiny baby hands arranged it ever so carefully on his head. Off he went. He had heard from his father's friend that his real father was on the Naughty list, but he did not care. He didn't care about his real father's shady business practices or mob ties, he was off to New York to meet his destiny...

Friday, July 12, 2013

hungry

I saw that Adam Sandler was almost eaten by a cheetah the other day. It's a lose-lose situation: Sandler's still alive to make movies and there's still a poor starving cheetah out there who's still hungry.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

merry

All Santa left me was a lump of coal. Then he took a dump and didn't flush. AND the god damned reindeer left holes in the roof. Merry fucking Christmas. (copyright 2012 christmassucks.org)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

see

Not too long ago it was my parent's 50th wedding aniversary. At the party I asked my cousin "How do you celebrate 50 years of the Holocaust"? Now their 58th is coming up Tuesday. Someone I know said "It's so cute when you see these really old couples still together". Not when you see them up close it's not.

Friday, August 24, 2012

shape

I'm in shape. The shape is ovoid.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

wash

What is camping to me? Camping is spending a weekend with a bunch of people who don't wash their hands after they take a shit.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

hopped

Twas a moonlit night, a year ago today I think. Something white, large, and preternaturally fluffy hopped hopped hopped in front of my car.

I may have been able to swerve at the last second except I was busy trying to upload porn on my new 3G phone. There was a sickening "THUMP", "CRUNCH", "SPLAT" and final "squishhhh" as the impact knocked the phone out of my hand. "God damn it. What was that?". I contemplated driving on. What if that was a person? If they are at least a documented alien I might get in trouble. So, I pulled over. God damn it all right. there was a long ear and that fluffy tail stuck in the grill. About 100 feet back or so, there was a broken figure lying in the road. As I got closer the damage became clear, The body had one tire track running through it. And as for the head, well all that was left was a couple of buck teeth, a whole lot of bloody goo, and the other long white ear. But... "Oooooh, free candy!" There was chocolate eggs, jelly beans, peeps, ALL kinds of good stuff spilled all over the road. Lucky for me someone had left this basket lying there. So I grabbed all the candy I could and headed back to my car.

The two little girls sat there, mouths agape.

"Uncle Rich... do you think... wasn't that the Easter Bunny?"

"Ummm I don't know. It shouldn't have been in the road at night anyway".

Tears started to well in their perfect little eyes. Then they asked in fragile little voices, voices that had never known one ounce of pain or unhappiness:

"But... you didn't leave..."

The littlest stopped to wipe her eye

"You didn't le, le... leave him there? Didn't you help him? sniff'

"Helped?... I helped myself to ALL THAT CANDY!" "HA HA HA" I chuckled. "But anyway, I didn't need to do anything, the highway department eventually comes around to clean up stuff like that".

"BWAAHHHHHhhhh"

Instant bawling as if they understood there would be no more Easter magic.

"Sniffle, snort... BBBWWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Girls, girls PLEASE. Don't cry, It's OK. everything's fine. It's OK. I promise. "

"Really? it's OK? Really?" they sniffled.

"YEAH. Even though the next day was a holiday, I was able to find a car wash. They cleaned all that blood and brains and shit off my car!"

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!