Friday, July 28, 2017

meaning

The meaning of life is to pass your DNA to the next generation... in the most disgusting filthy way possible.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Orange

I think we are all being a little hard on the guy. He knew he was different from the start. All those around him were just, you know, small. He was yuge. He tried his best to fit in, spraying himself with Testors orange #4. But as all the others sang songs about chocolate and the immorality of chewing gum, he only dreamed of forcing tenants out of their homes and shitting on a solid gold toilet. He was especially distraught after his only role model was turned into a giant blueberry. Leave he would, leave to find his real father and the immigrant wife of his dreams. So he to grabbed the most life-like of his road kill collection and with his tiny tiny baby hands arranged it ever so carefully on his head. Off he went. He had heard from his father's friend that his real father was on the Naughty list, but he did not care. He didn't care about his real father's shady business practices or mob ties, he was off to New York to meet his destiny...

Friday, July 12, 2013

hungry

I saw that Adam Sandler was almost eaten by a cheetah the other day. It's a lose-lose situation: Sandler's still alive to make movies and there's still a poor starving cheetah out there who's still hungry.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

merry

All Santa left me was a lump of coal. Then he took a dump and didn't flush. AND the god damned reindeer left holes in the roof. Merry fucking Christmas. (copyright 2012 christmassucks.org)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

see

Not too long ago it was my parent's 50th wedding aniversary. At the party I asked my cousin "How do you celebrate 50 years of the Holocaust"? Now their 58th is coming up Tuesday. Someone I know said "It's so cute when you see these really old couples still together". Not when you see them up close it's not.

Friday, August 24, 2012

shape

I'm in shape. The shape is ovoid.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

wash

What is camping to me? Camping is spending a weekend with a bunch of people who don't wash their hands after they take a shit.