wipe

For me, breakups are usually hard to get over. But I’ve used a few tricks over the years to get by. At first, I use to imagine a recent ex as a mud wrestler. But the images of a semi-clad ex writhing around in the muck, with a similarly topless opponent were always ultimately counter productive. As the years past and the exes piled up, I would picture her living in some trailer trash hell, cigarette in mouth, curlers in hair, screaming baby in one hand, iron in the other, with a hugely fore headed snot faced troll pulling at her apron string as her pot bellied disabled carpenter husband yells at her to get him a beer as he sits on the couch in his stained wife-beater, watching his Hee-Haw collector’s edition DVD. Unfortunately for me, every ex I’ve ever run into as been relatively happy and successful. Damn. So now, I’ve invented the penultimate tool of breakup recovery. As soon as it’s over, I run out and have my ex’s face printed on a roll of toilet paper. It’s amazing how the bad memories just wipe away. Now this all may all sound very low class to you but I promise: I always wipe with my pinky out!

A more positive use of creative printing, I wear boxer-brief underwear with Jennifer Aniston’s face printed on the front. Right before I go to bed, I turn them inside out. “Sweet dreams my pet”.