feel

I've finally come to that point in life where I need to admit, and learn to live with my limitations. If only I had been honest a long time ago I could have spared myself years of unnecessary pain, discomfort, and episodes of near panic. So here goes: My bladder is one size smaller than the medium diet Coke they sell at the movie theater. Whew. I feel better now.

always

Myspace just informed me that apparently, I'm following Scarlett Johansson. Does she know about this? The truth is, I wouldn't be caught dead with a someone like her, and would rather be slowly ripped apart by rats while being dipped in a giant vat of acid, than have sex with a woman who looks like that. Oooh wait... I always get that backwards.

explain

In this world, there are some walls of substance and thought, that are built of such mighty and impenetrable granite, that all the tools of diamond edge or sequential and irrefutable logic ever conceived by mortal man, can make not a perceivable, even if microscopic, scratch in the seamless infinite expanse of it's crag-ed aged surface. In other words: As GOD is my witness, I will never again attempt to explain to my elderly parents what "wide screen" TV means.

asked

Today, one of the Ladies I work with mentioned that she has been at the company for 37 years and was going to retire. But she needed an operation, was gone a few months, and had to come back afterwards to pay the bills. I asked her how she knew she didn't die on the operating table and wasn't in hell.