Tuesday, May 31, 2011

head

I'm already nuts. But if my parents are any guide, by the time I'm their age I'll be walking naked in the streets with my underware on my head.

Monday, May 30, 2011

don't

I just read there's a "Smurfs" movie coming out this summer. It's times like this I thank god I don't have any kids.

Friday, May 27, 2011

start

Remember those kids in the first and second grade who would just sit there, piss their pants and start to cry? I thought they were idiots. So... after another completely miserable day at work spent in my cubicle, I'm not so sure anymore. Give me a few more years and I might start doing the same thing.

Monday, May 23, 2011

atmospheric

When I got to work, I was starting to feel really sick. All achy and run down. But by the end of the day I was feeling pretty good. It must be all that anthrax and toxic wastes in the air killed off my cold. A kind of atmospheric chemo.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

singed

When I left work on Friday, I told everyone I was going mountain biking on Saturday, but afterwards I was going to head to Times Square for the rapture. And when Jesus showed up, I would punch him right in the face. BLAM!. Well, I did make it to the woods...

I'm never that big on specifics about myself. But I will admit that I'm a "tree hugger". And when I first went to Rocky Point it was several months after an extensive forest fire. I rode up a gentile hill, came through a few trees at the crest, and there it was. The earth was black. Not blackened, but black, across the horizon as far as I could see. As If some giant had taken the time to paint every inch. It was heart breaking.

So today I had just started to ride, fat, tired, and out of shape. I planned on forcing myself to ride till I dropped. I had just gotten to a gentile hilly section and suddenly there was a dense fog bank in front of me. My first thought was "cool!". It had said on the radio as I was driving in that it was raining at Yankee Stadium. So I expected to get soaked, but ridding in the woods in dense fog was an unexpected bonus. But... it smelled like smoke.

It was a fire. Not huge. The flames about three to six inches high, extending as a slowly growing mostly unbroken perimeter farther than I could see into the woods. It was a low fire, not higher than the brush, burning the top of the litter. And there it was: the blackened earth covering what looked to be a few acres edged in low flames.

The trail was stopping the fire's spread where I was. Now, I do mostly believe in "let nature be nature". And I have a pretty good undergraduate understanding of succession. And I know the woods around here are what use to be referred to as a "fire climax ecosystem", But that old black earth image still sticks with me. I called 911 on my cell, told them where I was, got transferred to the fire department, told them where I was again and stayed on the line while I started stamping out the fire edge that had reached the trail.

I was never in any danger. Not even close. I told 911 I would stay by the fire until the fire department got there. There were no trail markers where I was, and the property I was on is 5,000 acres bisected by Rocky Point road, so I was as specific as I could be about my location. I told them I was on the west side of the property, north of whiskey road, south of 25A, west of rocky Point road. I had Parked on the Rocky Point road parking lot, and had just started the "west side loop" and my bicycle odometer read 1.3 miles from the parking lot. The dispatcher started reading off the New York DEC map coordinates to me. I told them those DEC maps were no good. They must have been made when the trail was first opened but have never been updated as the trails has been cut, re-cut, and re-cut again over the years. All the fire department had to do was follow my instructions, park in the parking lot and start walking down the trail. I also told them the bike trail was narrow, they could not fit a truck, and I was NOT on the fire roads. So I was transferred again, told them again my exact location. They told me they would call back if they couldn't find me. 911 cut me off and transferred me to the fire department again. Again I told them the DEC maps were no good. I could have gone on and on about how many times I had convince lost bikers over the years they there were indeed lost. Explaining to them that according to the map, you're facing east, but "see that big ball of flame in the sky? It's going down, you have about 20 minutes before sun down" and "you better listen to me or you and your family are going to spend a long cold night alone in the woods". Once I proved to them that if their map was correct, then the sun would be setting in the east, it was usually easy to get them to follow me out after that. I didn't have that luxury of demonstration with 911.

So, I took the water bladder out of my camelback, wetted a handkerchief, tied it across my face, and continued stomping away. Where the flames were about a foot high, I doused them with a bit of water till they got lower, then finished stomping them out. After About five minutes, I heard the fire siren go off in the far distance. I kept stomping. There really was a lot a smoke, much more than I would have thought, I quickly occurred to me that I should try to stay upwind as I continued. I told myself I would keep going until I couldn't do anymore. Surprisingly, I was making good headway, periodically looking back to make sure the little fires I put out did not pop up again. I kept going, following this small perimeter of fire. After about 40 minutes, I though I really should have heard something by now. So I called 911 again. They told me the fire department could not find me. I said: "I don't meant to be rude but, Are you kidding?". Again I told them they just had to go to the parking lot, follow the trail and they would find me. Again I had to tell them the DEC map was not accurate, Again I had to specifically tell them where I was.

So I hung up again and kept stomping. I had to stop three or four times to flush my eyes. It was far more than an hour since I first called. I called again. The dispatcher had called me back several times but my phone didn't ring. I saw the listed "missed calls". He was very nice but again I went into detail about where I was, told him that "no I had just started the hilly section", "I had not passed it", "I knew a truck could not get down the bike trail" and pointed out that a few men with shovels and water bottles could have walked the trail, met me by then and stopped the fire. I then heard the truck. They were on the fire roads. I told the dispatcher that they sounded about a half mile east of me but as I kept talking the sound disappeared. I suggested to the dispatcher they backtrack. I kept stomping the whole time but I was about to give up. I had very little water left, barely enough to flush my eyes one more time. Luckily, I then found myself about 10 feet from the trail again. I had stomped along the perimeter until it had curved back. That was it. I had stopped the fire. I looked around and there was no little pillars of smoke rising anywhere. I walked around a bit. It was out. I told the dispatcher I would cut out ot the trail to the fire road. He told me to wait there for the firemen. I waited. No firemen. I could see they had been driving around looking for me, but due to the truck noise, they could not hear me when I had called out. I caught up with them about a quarter mile down the fire road. Two of them followed me back just to make sure the fire was out. It was. They told me they were given trail coordinates from the DEC maps to find me. I told them thanks, I knew it wasn't their fault, but inside I was pretty frustrated. I reminded them that they caused me to miss the rapture. They didn't think it was funny.

So here I sit, I haven't yet taken off my smoke smelling clothes. My exposed shins actually feel a little singed, a little raw, and the same with my forearms. But try to burn down my woods Jesus? BLAM!!! I need a shower.

never

I'm headed out to the woods today to go mountain biking. The problem is I've only been execising on the weekends, a sure fire formula for a heart attack. I really shouldn't worry about it though. God would never be that merciful.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

theme

A few people at work were talking about this whole "rapture" thing again. I told them: "Don't worry about it. We already missed it. How do you think we wound up here?" So... Anybody sense a recurring theme?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

hero

I'm kind of so so about super hero movies. And I was never a fan of The Hulk. He always reminded me of that retarded bully from the second grade that was left back a few times.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

how

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Saturday, May 7, 2011

rent

There's some religious radio station out there broadcasting that May 21, 2011 will be the end of the world. Do you think they paid the whole month's rent?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

island

After I win the lottery, the first thing I'll do, right after I change my name and buy an island with a mountain top castle complete with machine guns and electrified moat for my home for wayward bikini models, I'll run out to get my ticket for Virgin Galactic. Oh to soar among the stars and to touch the heavens! Come to think of it... what's going to happen to those passengers when they're exposed to plus eight g's, then negative three g's, then zero g's? Maybe $200 grand is a bit expensive just to be puked on by a bunch of billionaires. We'll all be covered in caviar and bile while we're to woozy to look out the window. And perhaps I should wait a bit? Ticket prices may go down as more people are exposed to this suborbital barf fest. Hmmm, I should re-think this. It really will be a sin if I suddenly come into a vast fortune and just piddle it away on unnecessary and meaningless indulgences. I shouldn't just throw it all away. Ok ok, I hear you. I don't really need the electrified moat. It's an island for Christ sake!