driving

I know. I used to think that driving an Audi was the penultimate indicator of being a douche. But the cigar just left the Audi in the dust. Cigars not only display to the entire world that you are a phallic sucking megalomaniacal prick, but also that you must impose your douche stank on all those unlucky enough to be within 30 feet of your bloated ass. There is nothing in this world that is a more definitive indicator of being a douche than smoking a cigar. That is unless it's smoking a cigar while driving an Audi.

prepared

I've always believed the people who took Latin in school were convinced someone would invent a time machine and they wanted to be prepared. Same thing with fencing.

eyes

No matter what I do, my sweatshirts always shrink when I wash them. It makes no difference if I use warm water, cold water, or hang them to dry, they always shrink. That is, except for two sweatshirts I bought at Walmart a couple years ago. Who'd of thought? Those Chinese political prisoners sure do make a nice shirt... right before they sell their hearts and their eyes.