merry

All Santa left me was a lump of coal. Then he took a dump and didn't flush. AND the god damned reindeer left holes in the roof. Merry fucking Christmas. (copyright 2012 christmassucks.org)

see

Not too long ago it was my parent's 50th wedding aniversary. At the party I asked my cousin "How do you celebrate 50 years of the Holocaust"? Now their 58th is coming up Tuesday. Someone I know said "It's so cute when you see these really old couples still together". Not when you see them up close it's not.

shape

I'm in shape. The shape is ovoid.

wash

What is camping to me? Camping is spending a weekend with a bunch of people who don't wash their hands after they take a shit.

hopped

Twas a moonlit night, a year ago today I think. Something white, large, and preternaturally fluffy hopped hopped hopped in front of my car.

I may have been able to swerve at the last second except I was busy trying to upload porn on my new 3G phone. There was a sickening "THUMP", "CRUNCH", "SPLAT" and final "squishhhh" as the impact knocked the phone out of my hand. "God damn it. What was that?". I contemplated driving on. What if that was a person? If they are at least a documented alien I might get in trouble. So, I pulled over. God damn it all right. there was a long ear and that fluffy tail stuck in the grill. About 100 feet back or so, there was a broken figure lying in the road. As I got closer the damage became clear, The body had one tire track running through it. And as for the head, well all that was left was a couple of buck teeth, a whole lot of bloody goo, and the other long white ear. But... "Oooooh, free candy!" There was chocolate eggs, jelly beans, peeps, ALL kinds of good stuff spilled all over the road. Lucky for me someone had left this basket lying there. So I grabbed all the candy I could and headed back to my car.

The two little girls sat there, mouths agape.

"Uncle Rich... do you think... wasn't that the Easter Bunny?"

"Ummm I don't know. It shouldn't have been in the road at night anyway".

Tears started to well in their perfect little eyes. Then they asked in fragile little voices, voices that had never known one ounce of pain or unhappiness:

"But... you didn't leave..."

The littlest stopped to wipe her eye

"You didn't le, le... leave him there? Didn't you help him? sniff'

"Helped?... I helped myself to ALL THAT CANDY!" "HA HA HA" I chuckled. "But anyway, I didn't need to do anything, the highway department eventually comes around to clean up stuff like that".

"BWAAHHHHHhhhh"

Instant bawling as if they understood there would be no more Easter magic.

"Sniffle, snort... BBBWWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Girls, girls PLEASE. Don't cry, It's OK. everything's fine. It's OK. I promise. "

"Really? it's OK? Really?" they sniffled.

"YEAH. Even though the next day was a holiday, I was able to find a car wash. They cleaned all that blood and brains and shit off my car!"

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

given up

My elderly mother keeps telling me she's "going to buy a facebook" and keeps asking me to find out how much they cost. I've given up explaining.

right

When I was a teenager, 32 felt really old. 48 seemed ancient. Turns out, I was right.

up

Oh my God! Within about three seconds, I've been at my fucking job for 10 years. They even gave me a "All of Your Dreams Have Formally Been Crushed" certificate to hang over my desk. In another 10 years, they'll give me a "Your Health Has Been Destroyed" Pin. sigh... So, does anything in the world signify that you've "given up" more than a chicken parmigiana hero at 03:00 AM?

old fashioned

I just finished a Hungryman Dinner. I'm not use to not knowing what part of the chicken I'm eating. Could be elbow? Could be cat? One piece had a little bit of wing, a little neck, a few ribs, as if someone took a whole chicken, mashed it into a ball, cut it into pieces, and threw them into the deep fryer. Maybe Swanson just can't afford a slaughterhouse anymore and just runs them over with a car. They do have that "splayed" bones pointing everywhere look of roadkill. Well, I guess that's why they sell it as good old fashioned American country cooking.