profile

I've got an hour to get to work. That muzak is boring into my brain. It's one of those insidious virus like tunes that target and destroy inhibitory neurons, allowing itself to multiply, loop around, and play endlessly in my head:

I gotta pocket gotta pocket full of sunshine, whoa… whoa oh oh

Alright, tune it out. I can do this. I shop quick. Just got to maneuver around the intra mall traffic of the undead. No problem. First kiosk: first obstacle. As I approach, this supra pretty, lanky, sales girl's eyes light up.

"Excuse me, do you have a minute?" she asks.

I'm kind of tall and walk at a very fast pace. So I do a sort of stutter step to slow down and respond.

"Sorry, I'm really in a rush. I'm not interested"

"But you don't even know what I'm selling" she said has she beamed me with her pheromone ray and broad smile.

From a quick glimpse I could see the kiosk was full of body sprays and stuff.

"That's ok, I don't use those things. I'm really in a rush, sorry." I said as I re-quickened my pace.

"Try that shit on me. I've been impervious for the last 10 years." I thought.

Back to my quest. Two pairs of cargo pants and a pair of casual shoes. Ok, nothing in Sears, There's an Abercrombie and Fitch, maybe they have the pants. As soon as I walk in the door, I'm confronted by some half naked boy toy, some retailer's attempt at homo-erotic marketing.

"How are you today" he says.

Instantly, I feel the need to macho up.

"How you dooin?" I reply about half an octave lower than my normal tambre, the worst of my New York accent bleeding through. You hear that world? I'm not gay! Anyway, I spin my head around a few times to see what clothes are available.

"What the fuck was I thinking coming in here?" I said to myself.

Out again and moving on. Unbelievably Macy's had what I was looking for. Time to leave. So as I was speeding out the mall, I passed that same kiosk again. But this time the crowd around it caused me to slow up. A herd of smiling, middle aged, balding, nerdy, self conscious, pudgy, ex bed-wetting super dorks were happily emptying their wallets. Oh, now I see. No wonder that girl's eye's lit up the second she saw me. I fit the profile. Ok, ok. I get it. Oh well. It turns out that I'm not so impervious after all.