class

My actual job is a complete stress fest. And not only is it company policy to make it as stressful as possible, every non-work related aspect of my workplace is likewise designed to make you explode in a career ending tirade just as you approach a near living wage pay grade. From the long lines for D grade food in the cafeteria, to the spring loaded faucets in the rest rooms that give you 0.3 seconds of water, culminating in the coke machines that now only give change in nickels, something’s got to give. So a move is required.

I need a new job. Let’s see. I could become a propaganda writer for a snake oil pyramid scheme. (Funny how those types of companies are always hiring.) Nah, there’s some things that even I won’t stoop to. I’ve got it. I’m gong to sell the official Elvis Presley line of White Trash Jewelry.

The first item we’re offering is the men’s Royal Flush Diamond Ring. Resplendent with 5 multi-faceted Diamondess stones, surrounded with 18kt Royal gold. It’s an exact replica of the ring the King wore when he puked on Richard Nixon during his 1972 visit to the White House.

Continuing our line of distinction is the men’s Diamondess Onyx Cross. Plated in 24kt gold, it is a faithful reproduction of the very same cross Elvis wore when he was statutory raping Priscilla Beaulieu, and a bold symbol of his very deep faith.

And what fan of the King doesn’t remember the gold and stainless steel Men’s Flex Bracelet that he wore as he nearly choked to death on a deep fried banana and peanut butter sandwich right before his incredible 1967 comeback special? Order this limited edition soon folks. Supplies won’t last.

And finally, we are most proud to present for the first time ever; The “Aloha From Hawaii” Horseshoe Ring. Exquisitely crafted in 10kt gold, this is a cubic zirconia re-creation of the legendary ring worn by the King of Rock n’ Roll while he was overdosing on prescription barbiturates on the personalized red velvet and gold inlayed toilet in his famous Vegas penthouse.

So remember, when thinking of a gift for that very special someone; think of Elvis Presley’s White Trash Jewelry. Because, nothing says class like Elvis Presley.