too

I really do appreciate that my new Timberlands are made of 100% recycled materials. But do they really have to smell like garbage too?

third

So... Bono and The Edge are doing the music for the new Spiderman musical. Aren't they going to run out of all the chords they know by the second act? How are they going to stretch 2 chords into two hours? Ok, maybe I'm being too harsh, but can you imagine? Two hours and not one Major third. Can't wait to get my ticket.

crowd

You may not realise it, but there are major advantages to being bald:

1. I only use one bottle of shampoo a year.

2. My shiny head makes me stand out in a crowd.

3. I don't have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases.

(sigh)

lord

Salt free potato chips are an abomination unto the Lord.

A vegetarian actually said this to me in the super market: "Get the Boka Burgers. After I put them on a sesame seed bun, added lettuce, tomato, some onion, ketchup, mustard, mayonaise and a pickle, it tasted just like a regular burger." ...no shit?

KFC

After 7,200 miles across the land of Mcdonalds, Subway, KFC, and Dairy Queen, the vast cultural differences that I could detect through out my trip was that in the northwest, they sell hamburgers at KFC. And they have no clue what Italian dressing is. How fucked up is that? Really, fucking hamburgers at KFC.

roam

This past summer, I took the opportunity to drive across this great country of ours. A much suspected universal truth was revealed to me: No matter who you meet in life's travels. Or how diverse the culture or communities through which you may pass, And no matter how far you may roam in this world... they never have a fucking knife in a chinese restaurant.

commercial

I went mountain biking today. There were clouds of flies hovering around my head the entire time. I felt like I was doing a commercial for U.N.I.C.E.F.

regret

Last Monday as I was coming back from Montauk, I had a choice. I could sit in traffic for a few hours. Or I could stop at a theater and see Twilight. I chose to sit in traffic. I regret nothing.

worse

This is a conversation I imagine that's going on in hell right about now:

Satan: "So evil minion, did you set up that movie marathon of the damned for Friday?"

Minion: "Sure did sir."

Satan: "So, what's playing?"

Minion: "All Adam Sandler flicks."

Satan looks at the camera, with a horrified look on his face, convulses slightly, and puts his hands over his mouth as his cheeks inflate. There's a muffled gag as he forces himself to swallow what has just come up.

Satan: "Wew... that was close. I threw up a little in my mouth. What's the line up for Saturday?"

Minion: "The Will Ferrel film festival."

Satan almost intantaneously projectile vomits

Satan: "Ooooohhhhh goooddd. Some things are too horrible even for hell. Oh well, could be worse. We could be showing Sex in the City 2."

tough

At my job, I often deal with the representatives of people who earn large sums. They will inevitably tell me that their clients are having "money trouble". It makes me think to myself: Really? Did they hurt their back lifting it? Did they injure themselves by dropping a gold bar on their foot? Is their mattress full of cash too lumpy and causes fitfull sleep? Or were they temporarily blinded by a stray glint off their collection of rare gems, causing them to slip on a discarded $1,000.00 bill they left for their dog to chew on? And if they mention car trouble, I imagine their deffinition would be that their bikini model girlfriend scratched his car with her clitorus piercing as they were screwing on the hood of the Bugatti. Yeah, life's tough.

double

They said on the news today that since we've advanced to the next round in the World Cup, interest in soccer in America likely will double. So... does that mean at least 32 people will give a shit?

crack

Yesterday I fell right on my ass. I think I broke it. Look! it's got a big crack in it.

square

Listen. A triangle is nothing more than a half assed square with angle envy.

indicator

Aaaahhhhh the PO Box: first refuge of a scoundrel.
____

I have a wart on my arm. So I went to the drugstore to get something to get rid of it. Apparently, the cure is to drip acid on it for 12 weeks. Isn't modern medicine wonderful?
____

When it gets to the point when there are so many keys on your key chain that you can't remember what any of them are for, is that the day you die?
____

My brother's family picked up a dachshund from the local shelter. His last owner dropped dead alone in the apartment with his dogs. They didn't discover his body for four days. Last Sunday during dinner I told my niece: "if I drop dead, don't let the dog eat my eyes".
____

Today I invented a new word: undicator, meaning; the opposite of indicator.

plot

I'm convinced that bluetooth is a secret illuminati plot to make everyone on the planet look like a douche.