worse

This is a conversation I imagine that's going on in hell right about now:

Satan: "So evil minion, did you set up that movie marathon of the damned for Friday?"

Minion: "Sure did sir."

Satan: "So, what's playing?"

Minion: "All Adam Sandler flicks."

Satan looks at the camera, with a horrified look on his face, convulses slightly, and puts his hands over his mouth as his cheeks inflate. There's a muffled gag as he forces himself to swallow what has just come up.

Satan: "Wew... that was close. I threw up a little in my mouth. What's the line up for Saturday?"

Minion: "The Will Ferrel film festival."

Satan almost intantaneously projectile vomits

Satan: "Ooooohhhhh goooddd. Some things are too horrible even for hell. Oh well, could be worse. We could be showing Sex in the City 2."

tough

At my job, I often deal with the representatives of people who earn large sums. They will inevitably tell me that their clients are having "money trouble". It makes me think to myself: Really? Did they hurt their back lifting it? Did they injure themselves by dropping a gold bar on their foot? Is their mattress full of cash too lumpy and causes fitfull sleep? Or were they temporarily blinded by a stray glint off their collection of rare gems, causing them to slip on a discarded $1,000.00 bill they left for their dog to chew on? And if they mention car trouble, I imagine their deffinition would be that their bikini model girlfriend scratched his car with her clitorus piercing as they were screwing on the hood of the Bugatti. Yeah, life's tough.

double

They said on the news today that since we've advanced to the next round in the World Cup, interest in soccer in America likely will double. So... does that mean at least 32 people will give a shit?

crack

Yesterday I fell right on my ass. I think I broke it. Look! it's got a big crack in it.

square

Listen. A triangle is nothing more than a half assed square with angle envy.