judge

Hello. My name is Richard. And I have a problem. For I… am a chronic masticator. It has taking control of my life. And I am powerless to stop. I masticate before I go to bed, dream about masticating, and I have to masticate as soon as I wake up. I just can’t concentrate all day unless I do. I masticate anytime I get a few seconds alone but secretly it gives me some devious thrill to masticate in public. Anywhere I’m in danger of being caught just adds to my excitement. And though it may cost me my job, I masticate in my cubicle at work. I better stop. The day shift is starting to notice the stains! My self abuse problem has ruined more than just a few carpets, and all of my clothes. It has destroyed all of my relationships. They all say they’re into it, sometimes inviting friends to join in, yet they all prove to be amateurs, unable to keep up. And every woman I’ve ever dated always wants me to wait and masticate with them. And even though it may ruin it for them later, I can’t. Don’t they know it’s different for men? I know I’m weak. I’ve tried all the tricks to stop myself, like thinking about baseball or Rosie O’Donnell, but then it’s BOOM! At it again until my hands or so cramped I can only use my mouth alone – yeah, I’m that flexible. Usually, I can masticate with either my left or right hand. I’m ambidextrous. But that is nothing to be proud of. So everyone, take heed of my tale of woe. I have ruined my life due to my lack of self control. But judge me not, for I could be any of you. And after all, what do you think I am? Some kind of fucking jerk off?!