useless

Tomorrow is Saturday. Do not wake me up. I don’t give a shit if the house is on fire. I’ll get up when it gets too hot. Anyway, you know how I am. If I don’t get 14 hours of sleep, I’m useless all day.

nice

Hey, good new! I just won a recent pole at Old Scag magazine naming me 2008’s “Most Horrifying to Wake Up Next To”. And I beat out some pretty tough competition: Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. It’s nice to finally get some recognition!

leisure

Scream if you want to. No one will hear. And I promise; this is going to take a long time. Everyone thinks you're sooo sweet, but only I can see your soul is hollow. You are here for me, to do what I want. You'll regret you ever let me pick you up. First, I'll start with your eyes, gouging them out with my teeth, rolling them around my mouth until their sweetness dissolves into my tongue. Next the knife. My favorite. Each piece of your ears I slice off fills me with succulent warmth. Mmmmm. Bit by bit you're starting to realize that this is just the beginning. Back to my teeth again to rip off each cheek. Ha! This is why I started with your eyes. A mirror could never compete with your mind's eye, filling you with the horror of the mutilated vision you've become. Awww, what a pretty bow you have around your neck. I could cut your head off with it if I made it tight enough. But that's too quick. Just tight enough to scare you, but not tight enough to distract you from what's to come is what I want. Now I carefully, oh so carefully, cut off the top of your head. One slip of the blade could end this all too soon. Here it is… Here's the proof that you are nothing more than an empty headed little rodent. Do you see? Can't you all see?! But alas, I've neglected the rest of your body. So starting with your feet, I slowly, very slowly cut off your toes, working my way up until you are nothing but a torso and half a head. The end is finally here. There's not enough of you left to amuse me any longer. So I just crush with my fist, leaving chunks of you big enough to eat at my leisure. Wow. I haven't had this much fun since I ripped that chick's head off. I just Love chocolate bunnies and peeps. What a great holiday.
Happy Easter everyone!

Ooooo, I've got some chocolate left. OOWWWW! A cavity! – You Bitch!!!

call me

Alright, I don’t really hate the God damn cell phone. I found a new use for it. I turn the volume all the way up, put it on vibrate, stick it in the front of my pants, and tell all of my friends to call me. Hey, a boy’s got to have some fun.

hard

I needed someone who wasn't afraid of thickness. And even though I knew about her, I could never make it happen. Forget all that. We finally hooked up. Say hello to my new partner, my Swingline 390NX Heavy Duty Stapler. I just stapled 80 pages of BIO notes. I ain't kidding. I'm in love. Come here baby. Show me some of that good stuff. Yeah, you know how I like it. A little to the left, almost there. One more hard pull and.... OWWWWW!!!!!!!

I thee wed.

Time to finally grow up, settle down, and make that final long term commitment that I have avoided all these years: I’ve come close a few times, bolting just when things seemed to be getting to close. It’s never really felt quite right. I’ve been guilty of thinking there is always something better around the corner and I don’t want to be stuck. What can I say? I’m shallow. Maybe I’m just sick of everyone telling me I should. I haven’t listened before. And even though I’ve promised myself I would never do this. At 44 years old, I’m ready to settle. All right, all right everyone. You can stop nagging me. The time has come. .. I’m getting a cell phone. Al last, I can be the jackass who takes a call in the middle of a movie, or the dick head whose “This is why I’m hot” ring tone goes off in the middle of a funeral. And for the record, I’m still having a little trouble understanding why anyone actually needs to keep the ringer on at all. Vibrate is not obnoxious enough? Ooooh I can bombard my co-workers with shitty cell phone pictures of my cat, or post grainy, drunken videos on myspace. No longer will I be considered rude to ignore someone speaking to me. They’ll just have to deal with me talking on my blue tooth at the same time. And if it offends them that I’m texting someone else while they’re talking, Fuck em. It’s time they get with the 21st century. Now I can stand in public places, shouting the details of my visit to the proctologist for all the world. Not that long ago. This behavior would have gotten me a comfortable padded room. But the world has changed. I'm allowed to be a jackass. These days, no one is really allowed a moment of privacy, or peace. This is what I’m giving up. Just so I won’t be stuck when my Ford P.O.S. craps out again. Thanks AT&T.