I thee wed.

Time to finally grow up, settle down, and make that final long term commitment that I have avoided all these years: I’ve come close a few times, bolting just when things seemed to be getting to close. It’s never really felt quite right. I’ve been guilty of thinking there is always something better around the corner and I don’t want to be stuck. What can I say? I’m shallow. Maybe I’m just sick of everyone telling me I should. I haven’t listened before. And even though I’ve promised myself I would never do this. At 44 years old, I’m ready to settle. All right, all right everyone. You can stop nagging me. The time has come. .. I’m getting a cell phone. Al last, I can be the jackass who takes a call in the middle of a movie, or the dick head whose “This is why I’m hot” ring tone goes off in the middle of a funeral. And for the record, I’m still having a little trouble understanding why anyone actually needs to keep the ringer on at all. Vibrate is not obnoxious enough? Ooooh I can bombard my co-workers with shitty cell phone pictures of my cat, or post grainy, drunken videos on myspace. No longer will I be considered rude to ignore someone speaking to me. They’ll just have to deal with me talking on my blue tooth at the same time. And if it offends them that I’m texting someone else while they’re talking, Fuck em. It’s time they get with the 21st century. Now I can stand in public places, shouting the details of my visit to the proctologist for all the world. Not that long ago. This behavior would have gotten me a comfortable padded room. But the world has changed. I'm allowed to be a jackass. These days, no one is really allowed a moment of privacy, or peace. This is what I’m giving up. Just so I won’t be stuck when my Ford P.O.S. craps out again. Thanks AT&T.