count

My first memory was throwing up in class and being sent home. But later in the year I ran into the bathroom to puke. And they kept me there, there ready to spew at a moment’s notice, for the rest of the day. And after nine years of this kind of stuff, what lessons did I carry with me? We were sinners, worthy of eternal fiery torment for such abominations as eating meat on Friday, or eating at all before mass on Sunday. But don’t worry, the church is the one true path to heaven they told us, unless of course you fuck up, like chew gum in school or forget to kneel as you pass the tabernacle. But then second grade hit. Now it was explained to us that through the sacraments, like First Communion, you now have the path to heaven. Whoopee! I can live forever. But wait a second. What was all this shit about chewing gum? Oh well, I was just a child. I really just didn’t understand. Time passed. Two years later came the fourth grade, and first confession. Now heinous cardinal sins, like bugging our parents to go to Wetsons, could be wiped away by the benevolent forgiveness of our savior. It was then explained to us that we really couldn’t have gotten to heaven before, original sin and such shit. Huh? Was I missing something? Around this time faith became important to me. You know, faith: that tacit ability to accept any bullshit because you are simply too stupid to understand God’s infinite wisdom. Faith got me through a lot in my childhood, all the way to the seventh grade and Confirmation. According to the lesbians, oh sorry, I should call them what they used to be known as: “nuns”. Anyway, according to the “nuns” we were now adults in the eyes of the Lord and everything we did before didn’t count because we were just children. What???!!!! You mean I could have been eating all the Three Musketeers I wanted, not gone to bed on time, or murdered my parents for that mater, and still have gotten to heaven? What the fuck? It was at this point the first subconscious cracks in my faith were sown, yet they were not to outwardly reveal themselves for many years. So, looking back, what did I really learn in nine years of Catholic School? It’s this: If you’re going to throw up, do it in front of someone or it doesn’t count.