Jersey

Just saw the latest remake of The Planet of the Apes. I still prefer the original, you know, the one where Charlton Heston freaks out when he realizes he's been in New Jersey the whole time.

enchanted

There was a holiday themed office party at work. And they asked us to bring in holiday themed food items. Furthermore, we were asked to fill out a card which explained the food's relativity to the holiday, and the card would be displayed along with the item. Here's what my card said...

The Three Little Pigs were driving home late Christmas Eve to spend a joyous Noel with their families. The moon shown bright and the stars themselves seemed to glisten all about the snow covered crystalline landscape. Oh how the joy of the season filled their little hearts as the sped along what seemed to be an enchanted road which magically and gently curved to guide them back to home and loved ones. Gazing in wide eyed amazement, they even thought they saw Santa's sleigh streaking across the sky. And so being distracted, they crashed head on into a semi hauling barbecue sauce and were horribly burned to death in the ensuing conflagration, thus producing these succulent ribs.

Merry Christmas everybody!

run.

As I get older, it's proven over and over to me that we can not escape the consequences of our sometimes short sighted and thoughtless decisions. No matter how painful, noisy, or embarrassing they may be, or how much we desire the misery would end, our actions have dictated out predicament. I wish I had remembered this earlier today before I had that HUGE bowl of chilli followed up by a couple of bananas. Run everyone. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

clothes

At Exactly at what age was it when I lost the ability to eat with out getting food on my clothes?

fond

I've always though that someday I might like to live in England. Well, maybe not. After all I'm quite fond of consonants, especially the letter "R".

great

Another movie where the good looking charming scumbag gets the girl. I can't. I just can't get through Love and Other Drugs, no matter how GREAT Anne Hathaway's tits are.

giant

For Halloween tomorrow I'm going out as a giant dick... Now if I can only think of a costume.

it

Just saw Transformers 3. It was seizure inducing fun for the whole family. Well, maybe not the WHOLE family. Certainly not special "Ronald". Or your cock-eyed cousin. Or your grandmother. But your friend with the lisp and the Motley Crew tattoo will love it.

celebrate

This past weekend my parents have been married 57 years. How do you celebrate 57 years of the holocaust?

sleep

They say that people who are married and have children live longer. That's true. But for every diaper you've changed, I've gotten two hours of sleep.

expiration

You know, the eighties weren't so great. But they weren't so bad either. It was the last decade I didn't have to wear a hat. The last decade I owned a comb. And the last decade where I didn't have to worry about the expiration date of my shampoo.

secret

I found out how to make tofu look and taste just like chicken. The secret is... use a lot of chicken.

face

Remember back in grade school, there was always that girl who was like: "Mrs Johhhhnson, you forgot to give us hoooommmework." I always wanted to punch that little bitch right in the face. Well... I think she's all grown up and now works with me.

life

Woo Hoooooooo! It's finally happened. I've won the lottery!!! Who says dreams don't come true? Now I just have to figure out how to make $5.00 last the rest of my life.

dirty

I don't read the NY Post. I just look at the dirty pictures.

driving

I know. I used to think that driving an Audi was the penultimate indicator of being a douche. But the cigar just left the Audi in the dust. Cigars not only display to the entire world that you are a phallic sucking megalomaniacal prick, but also that you must impose your douche stank on all those unlucky enough to be within 30 feet of your bloated ass. There is nothing in this world that is a more definitive indicator of being a douche than smoking a cigar. That is unless it's smoking a cigar while driving an Audi.

prepared

I've always believed the people who took Latin in school were convinced someone would invent a time machine and they wanted to be prepared. Same thing with fencing.

eyes

No matter what I do, my sweatshirts always shrink when I wash them. It makes no difference if I use warm water, cold water, or hang them to dry, they always shrink. That is, except for two sweatshirts I bought at Walmart a couple years ago. Who'd of thought? Those Chinese political prisoners sure do make a nice shirt... right before they sell their hearts and their eyes.

improving

People tell me I live in a bad neighborhood. One of the ladies I used to work with went so far as to call it a "ghetto". I don't know. It has it's conveniences. Like: I live halfway between a bodega and a crack house. Unfortunately, the whorehouse down the street had to close, you know, recession and all. Also, there are more resident landscapers per mile than the entire United States (or Central America). And during hurricane Irene I never lost power or cable. Someone was murdered on the next block and his house was burned down, but hey, the previous murder was across the street. So I guess the neighborhood's improving.

baby

There is nothing in this world more delicious than dead animal, except maybe dead BABY animal.

change

I just read that some company bought the rights to one of the favorite films of my childhood and is going to change it into a Mexican porno about anal sex. It's called: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

beans

Just got back from a wonderful night of classical guitar that even included a little Gershwin. Except, there was one guitarist who... hmmm, how do I put this? I've got it. Hanibal Lecter would have served his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

dental

You may have inferred from previous blogs that I work in Hell. I would like to state that is the farthest thing from the truth and I meant in no way to even imply that the conditions in my work place are "hell-like". We have much better air conditioning than they. But I hear they have a much better cafeteria and dental.

keyboard

If I see one more facebook profile where some DD cup tells everyone that you just have to believe in yourself and your dreams will come true, or post about how she always gets everything that she wants due to some delusion of force of will, I'm going to puke all over my keyboard.

already

Never go to the beach with an arab. Especially one who's already tan.

different

You know, sometime you catch the tail end of someone else's conversation, and it sounds so odd, so of the wall, you convince yourself that you could not have possible heard what you thought you have heard, and you then ask the participants what the are really talking about. So today, two of the ladies in my office were talking about... "cat rape". That's right, "cat rape". Having owned a few felines, and not realising that cat rape was a wide spread problem, I felt compelled to inquire. It was explained to me by both of these ladies that indeed their female cats had been "raped". What?! Really?! Was anyone I knew responsible? Anyway they both went on to explain that their cats had come home somewhat bruised after an extensive "gang bang". "Gang bang"?! How did they know it was a "gang bang". Did the cats tell them? Was there video involved? I asked how they knew their cats weren't into it? Maybe their cats were just sluts? I also asked the standard sexist questions like: "Well, what was you cat wearing?" and "Why was she in that neighborhood at that time of night to begin with?". I suggested that maybe the male cats thought "meow meow meow" meant "yes yes yes". I never had any problem with any cat I ever owned I said, because I taught my cats to dress more demurely, attend religious services, and save themselves for marriage. But... I did have a dog who used to wear crotchless panties but that's a different story.

rest

So, two weeks ago today I dislocated my collar bone. When things like this happen to my rich cousins they get treated like they are the starting quarterback of the New York Jets. For me it's: "Take these pills and do these exercises for the rest of your life. Now get out of my office gimpy".

down

Took the train into Manhattan today and did a couple of touristy things. And it reminded me of a law of the universe that I used to hold dear and have since discarded. Up until I was a teenager, and maybe a few years later than that, there was this invisible line, circular with it's epicenter squarely in the middle of New York City, with a radius if 50 miles. And Once you stepped over this line, even if by inches, the pizza sucked and they put mustard on the hamburgers. Yuk. Well the mustard line faded into oblivion sometimes into the nineties, but I have to finally say, the pizza line in now long since dead too. Pizza in New York sucks as much as out here in the burbs. Instead of being able to find awesome tasty pizza after tasty pizza, at every roach infested shithole in New York, you have to search and search to find an even remotely good one. There was something back then to that quintessential mix of first generation Italian immigrants and rodent droppings that made our pizza the best. What the fuck: "benji's Pizza"? "Pedro's Pizza"?! And I've got news for you New York" The words "kosher" and "tasty pizza" do not mix. When I was a kid, I was so spoiled by good pizza that I couldn't eat that "Pizza Hut" shit if you paid me. That crap was for people from Syracuse. Now I've become so desensitized from all the tasteless pizza around, why I find myself actually buying Pizza hut, or worse yet, gasp Dominos. So after I grabbed a slice today before heading home I realised the great New York pizza age is at an end. I might as well nuke some Ellios, it's just as good. Maybe even... "Little Caesars". Ah who am I kidding? I'll never be able keep it down.

two

Just saw a trailer for the new Three Musketeers movie coming out. So, instead of an intelligent period piece with incredible sword play we're going to get... well let me sum up what the writers and director must have thought. "People are idiots so give them this: Oooo shiny oooooo, give us $10.50 Ooooo" Not thanks. I can't wait to change the channel when it shows up on Cinemax in two months.

miles

It's really distressing when your GPS says, "In 678 miles, make left".

bad

Before working for my current employer I used to think that chest pain was a bad thing.

hole

I was just in the book store, standing by what I thought were some nice hard bound editions of the classics, when this woman who was walking by said this to her boyfriend:

"You don't need any more books. These are old stupid ones".

I thought the universe was going to end as I was sucked up into a vast black hole of ignorance.

special

I heard that Playboy is coming out with a special 25th aniversary "Women Who Wouldn't Fuck Me in a Million Years" Issue.

active

The people who work in the cafeteria at my job got all pissed off at me when I asked them if they knew that hamburgers were NOT supposed to have "active cultures".

ciao

Well... I may be poor white trash but I do have some successful relatives. In fact, one of my relatives owns a horse farm and breeds and races thoroughbreds. It's just one of those asides that many with piles and piles of cash dabble in. You know, like polo, yacht racing, white slavery, purchasing politicians, and treating sales people like total shit. Anyway, this past Saturday, his horse actually won the premier race in the country. Another cousin let me know that his toddler daughter had picked out the horse's name. I can imagine how that conversation went:

"Honey, honey, you have to pick out the name for daddy's new horse. Yes honey, puppies are pretty. No mommy does not know where your binky is. Honey.... honey, please, your french tutor is waiting so please pick one... Honey, please get off the phone with your agent... No I didn't know you were getting a text from Zurich... Yes yes I know you have to go potty... YES already, mommy's sorry that the kids at school found out you day nanny is not western European, yessss she's fired... No NO the Bentley IS fixed, you won't have to go to pre-k tomorrow in the limo... Honey PLEASE... Oh, oh... that name's very cute. Thanks honey. Ok then... I'll have my people call your people and maybe we can get together next month when I get back from Prague. Ciao!"

then

Stopped off to see Super 8 after work. It was The Goonies meets Cloverfield. And if you don't understand why those movies sucked then you are a fucking idiot and I don't want to talk to you.

sweet

I think Rogaine is Latin for "end of hope".

Anyway, no one reads this blog. That's ok. It's really just here for me to vent. But I have to admit that every so often, I check the "key words" that were used in searches that led to this blog. The number one search phrase is "bald cuban pussy". It makes me wonder if an old girlfriend has been trying to look me up. She had such sweet pet names for me.

head

I'm already nuts. But if my parents are any guide, by the time I'm their age I'll be walking naked in the streets with my underware on my head.

don't

I just read there's a "Smurfs" movie coming out this summer. It's times like this I thank god I don't have any kids.

start

Remember those kids in the first and second grade who would just sit there, piss their pants and start to cry? I thought they were idiots. So... after another completely miserable day at work spent in my cubicle, I'm not so sure anymore. Give me a few more years and I might start doing the same thing.

atmospheric

When I got to work, I was starting to feel really sick. All achy and run down. But by the end of the day I was feeling pretty good. It must be all that anthrax and toxic wastes in the air killed off my cold. A kind of atmospheric chemo.

singed

When I left work on Friday, I told everyone I was going mountain biking on Saturday, but afterwards I was going to head to Times Square for the rapture. And when Jesus showed up, I would punch him right in the face. BLAM!. Well, I did make it to the woods...

I'm never that big on specifics about myself. But I will admit that I'm a "tree hugger". And when I first went to Rocky Point it was several months after an extensive forest fire. I rode up a gentile hill, came through a few trees at the crest, and there it was. The earth was black. Not blackened, but black, across the horizon as far as I could see. As If some giant had taken the time to paint every inch. It was heart breaking.

So today I had just started to ride, fat, tired, and out of shape. I planned on forcing myself to ride till I dropped. I had just gotten to a gentile hilly section and suddenly there was a dense fog bank in front of me. My first thought was "cool!". It had said on the radio as I was driving in that it was raining at Yankee Stadium. So I expected to get soaked, but ridding in the woods in dense fog was an unexpected bonus. But... it smelled like smoke.

It was a fire. Not huge. The flames about three to six inches high, extending as a slowly growing mostly unbroken perimeter farther than I could see into the woods. It was a low fire, not higher than the brush, burning the top of the litter. And there it was: the blackened earth covering what looked to be a few acres edged in low flames.

The trail was stopping the fire's spread where I was. Now, I do mostly believe in "let nature be nature". And I have a pretty good undergraduate understanding of succession. And I know the woods around here are what use to be referred to as a "fire climax ecosystem", But that old black earth image still sticks with me. I called 911 on my cell, told them where I was, got transferred to the fire department, told them where I was again and stayed on the line while I started stamping out the fire edge that had reached the trail.

I was never in any danger. Not even close. I told 911 I would stay by the fire until the fire department got there. There were no trail markers where I was, and the property I was on is 5,000 acres bisected by Rocky Point road, so I was as specific as I could be about my location. I told them I was on the west side of the property, north of whiskey road, south of 25A, west of rocky Point road. I had Parked on the Rocky Point road parking lot, and had just started the "west side loop" and my bicycle odometer read 1.3 miles from the parking lot. The dispatcher started reading off the New York DEC map coordinates to me. I told them those DEC maps were no good. They must have been made when the trail was first opened but have never been updated as the trails has been cut, re-cut, and re-cut again over the years. All the fire department had to do was follow my instructions, park in the parking lot and start walking down the trail. I also told them the bike trail was narrow, they could not fit a truck, and I was NOT on the fire roads. So I was transferred again, told them again my exact location. They told me they would call back if they couldn't find me. 911 cut me off and transferred me to the fire department again. Again I told them the DEC maps were no good. I could have gone on and on about how many times I had convince lost bikers over the years they there were indeed lost. Explaining to them that according to the map, you're facing east, but "see that big ball of flame in the sky? It's going down, you have about 20 minutes before sun down" and "you better listen to me or you and your family are going to spend a long cold night alone in the woods". Once I proved to them that if their map was correct, then the sun would be setting in the east, it was usually easy to get them to follow me out after that. I didn't have that luxury of demonstration with 911.

So, I took the water bladder out of my camelback, wetted a handkerchief, tied it across my face, and continued stomping away. Where the flames were about a foot high, I doused them with a bit of water till they got lower, then finished stomping them out. After About five minutes, I heard the fire siren go off in the far distance. I kept stomping. There really was a lot a smoke, much more than I would have thought, I quickly occurred to me that I should try to stay upwind as I continued. I told myself I would keep going until I couldn't do anymore. Surprisingly, I was making good headway, periodically looking back to make sure the little fires I put out did not pop up again. I kept going, following this small perimeter of fire. After about 40 minutes, I though I really should have heard something by now. So I called 911 again. They told me the fire department could not find me. I said: "I don't meant to be rude but, Are you kidding?". Again I told them they just had to go to the parking lot, follow the trail and they would find me. Again I had to tell them the DEC map was not accurate, Again I had to specifically tell them where I was.

So I hung up again and kept stomping. I had to stop three or four times to flush my eyes. It was far more than an hour since I first called. I called again. The dispatcher had called me back several times but my phone didn't ring. I saw the listed "missed calls". He was very nice but again I went into detail about where I was, told him that "no I had just started the hilly section", "I had not passed it", "I knew a truck could not get down the bike trail" and pointed out that a few men with shovels and water bottles could have walked the trail, met me by then and stopped the fire. I then heard the truck. They were on the fire roads. I told the dispatcher that they sounded about a half mile east of me but as I kept talking the sound disappeared. I suggested to the dispatcher they backtrack. I kept stomping the whole time but I was about to give up. I had very little water left, barely enough to flush my eyes one more time. Luckily, I then found myself about 10 feet from the trail again. I had stomped along the perimeter until it had curved back. That was it. I had stopped the fire. I looked around and there was no little pillars of smoke rising anywhere. I walked around a bit. It was out. I told the dispatcher I would cut out ot the trail to the fire road. He told me to wait there for the firemen. I waited. No firemen. I could see they had been driving around looking for me, but due to the truck noise, they could not hear me when I had called out. I caught up with them about a quarter mile down the fire road. Two of them followed me back just to make sure the fire was out. It was. They told me they were given trail coordinates from the DEC maps to find me. I told them thanks, I knew it wasn't their fault, but inside I was pretty frustrated. I reminded them that they caused me to miss the rapture. They didn't think it was funny.

So here I sit, I haven't yet taken off my smoke smelling clothes. My exposed shins actually feel a little singed, a little raw, and the same with my forearms. But try to burn down my woods Jesus? BLAM!!! I need a shower.

never

I'm headed out to the woods today to go mountain biking. The problem is I've only been execising on the weekends, a sure fire formula for a heart attack. I really shouldn't worry about it though. God would never be that merciful.

theme

A few people at work were talking about this whole "rapture" thing again. I told them: "Don't worry about it. We already missed it. How do you think we wound up here?" So... Anybody sense a recurring theme?

hero

I'm kind of so so about super hero movies. And I was never a fan of The Hulk. He always reminded me of that retarded bully from the second grade that was left back a few times.

how

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rent

There's some religious radio station out there broadcasting that May 21, 2011 will be the end of the world. Do you think they paid the whole month's rent?

island

After I win the lottery, the first thing I'll do, right after I change my name and buy an island with a mountain top castle complete with machine guns and electrified moat for my home for wayward bikini models, I'll run out to get my ticket for Virgin Galactic. Oh to soar among the stars and to touch the heavens! Come to think of it... what's going to happen to those passengers when they're exposed to plus eight g's, then negative three g's, then zero g's? Maybe $200 grand is a bit expensive just to be puked on by a bunch of billionaires. We'll all be covered in caviar and bile while we're to woozy to look out the window. And perhaps I should wait a bit? Ticket prices may go down as more people are exposed to this suborbital barf fest. Hmmm, I should re-think this. It really will be a sin if I suddenly come into a vast fortune and just piddle it away on unnecessary and meaningless indulgences. I shouldn't just throw it all away. Ok ok, I hear you. I don't really need the electrified moat. It's an island for Christ sake!

talk

Who is this "Bob Fongool" all my Italian friends keep talking about? They're always pissed off when they talk about him too. He must be a real dick.

awkward

When broaching one particular awkward subject with children, there are two trains of thought:

1. Sit down with them and have a frank if not uncomfortable discussion, or...

2. Do what my parents did and avoid the subject at all cost, letting them pick up all the shocking details off the so called "streets", or by watching nature documentaries and allowing the child to come to the realization on their own, that the world is not some "magical" place and in fact mom and dad have been "doing it" all along,

So, I really believe option #2. Let them figure out that mom and dad have been the ones puting out the Easter candy every year and the Easter Bunny isn't real.

Oh yeah... for where do babies come from... just leave the parental filter off the computer and go to Florida for the weekend. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

who

Why is it that friends think they are doing you some kind of favor when they ask you to house sit:

"Hey Rich, how would you like to come over to vacuum the rugs and clean up the cat shit while we spend a week in Florida?"

Wow, run to your place before going to work, bring in your mail, check up on the alarm on my way home, AND get to clean up feces too? Who could say no?

collection

There having a talent show at work. And since they've told us that we're responsible for our own morale, it somehow reminds me that they had a band at Auschwitz. But anyway, since balding and the ability to produce copious amounts of cellulite and body odor, all while juggling work, home, and Internet porn viewing aren't considered by the snobbish and effete public as actual "talents", I don't think I'll be entering this year. Hmmm, maybe next year I could show them my wart collection. I've already got a pretty good head start.

...Oh yeah, I almost forgot. One of the ladies I work with, the actual woman I referred to in a previous blog, told me the other day that she was an ewok, the tall dark ewok, in Return of the Jedi. I guess that explains why she bows down to the fax machine and does a little "glub glub" dance every night at sunset. Just kidding. Really my inner uber dork thinks, hell who am I kidding? I think, it's fucking awesome!

feel

I've finally come to that point in life where I need to admit, and learn to live with my limitations. If only I had been honest a long time ago I could have spared myself years of unnecessary pain, discomfort, and episodes of near panic. So here goes: My bladder is one size smaller than the medium diet Coke they sell at the movie theater. Whew. I feel better now.

always

Myspace just informed me that apparently, I'm following Scarlett Johansson. Does she know about this? The truth is, I wouldn't be caught dead with a someone like her, and would rather be slowly ripped apart by rats while being dipped in a giant vat of acid, than have sex with a woman who looks like that. Oooh wait... I always get that backwards.

explain

In this world, there are some walls of substance and thought, that are built of such mighty and impenetrable granite, that all the tools of diamond edge or sequential and irrefutable logic ever conceived by mortal man, can make not a perceivable, even if microscopic, scratch in the seamless infinite expanse of it's crag-ed aged surface. In other words: As GOD is my witness, I will never again attempt to explain to my elderly parents what "wide screen" TV means.

asked

Today, one of the Ladies I work with mentioned that she has been at the company for 37 years and was going to retire. But she needed an operation, was gone a few months, and had to come back afterwards to pay the bills. I asked her how she knew she didn't die on the operating table and wasn't in hell.

same

Hmmm... nothing? Oh well, same time next year.

time

Wow, February 15th already? I guess it's the time of year for me to check my voice mail.

sound

Just caught a bit of the Grammys. Was there ever a time when Bob Dylan DIDN'T sound like shit? AND don't give me Lay Lady Lay. There's no way that's him singing.

so

Why does my train of thought derail so easily?

holy

It's been years, and I don't remember how many years, since I've gone to a theater and seen a crisply written, suspenseful, intelligent, suprising, chilling, and down right scary horror movie. And thanks to The Rite staring Anthony Hopkins, that streak is likely to continue into the foreseeable future. As I remember, I think I read it in a book somewhere, that "horror" movies should at least be some what chilling, sporadically scary, and not cause you to almost fall asleep during the climactic confrontation with a demon scene. Someone should have let the director in on this info. This movie was lacking in so many things but formost of it's defects was the forgettable cardboard uninspired performance by the leading actor. He was so unimpressive that I can't be bothered to look up his name to include here. And "gasp" Anthony Hopkins was terrible. But all things in this movie were made worse by a general lack of "creepiness". You would think that a movie about exorcists and exorcisms would have at least a little bit of creepiness. Wouldn't you? It would have been so easy to fix, a stray other worldly shadow here, a satanic flash image there. Instead we get the the obligatory "fake" scare: a cat jumping inexplicably at a window with the hero on the other side, some cute frogs, a mule with red eyes, and during the penultimate exorcism, demonic background voices that sounded as if they were done by the same guy who does the wisper voice overs for Busch Beer commercials. The overall effect left me drowsy. Oooh I almost forgot. The "What the fuck?!" scene came rather early on. Anthony Hopkins' character actually took a cell call during an exorcism he was performing. I should have taken it as a clue that the cosmos were screaming at me to leave, leave early so not to suffer through this piece of crap. I should have listened. When I finally walked out at the end, I sighed a phrase that immediately struck me as the perfect two word review for a such a poor film about a religious ritual: "Holy shit". Yeah, that about sums it up.

walker

Went to see Rick Derringer and Edgar Winter last night. Well... rock and roll may never die, but it's definitely on a respirator, waiting on last rites. It's not that they weren't great, or that their level of musicianship or showmanship wasn't very high. It's just that everyone was soooo OLD. Jesus, even the scalpers looked like they needed a walker. It reminded me of running into an old girlfriend. Shit, do I look that old too?

patient

Bluetooth technology has robbed from me the ability to discern pedestrian from mental patient.

freedom

Another exciting Saturday night doing laundry. In honor of Martin Luther King's birthday I'm mixing my colored and whites. Let freedon ring.