10,000 years

It has been said that you can judge the measure of a man by the magnitude of his enemies. If that's true, I rate at about toaster level because I haven't made it off the inanimate scale. I guess I'm only about as significant as my piece of shit Ford, with it's sticky radio buttons, intermittent air conditioning, ineffective defroster, and moon roof that has no problems opening, only closing with a very precisely placed mid-roof punch. But it's old. I can forgive its many foibles, and I'm currently trying to get rid of it. No, it's the mechanical objects that I don't own that give me the most shit. Like the soda machine that takes my money and then only thinks about giving me a soda, teasing me with mechanical gastritis sounds for thirty seconds before deciding I don't warrant one. And the one type of object that I can never turn my back on for a second, defeating me at every encounter, leaving me stained and humiliated is: Toilet seat lid covers. You know what I'm talking about, those pieces of carpet some women insist on using, insuring that no mater what you do, the toilet seat will stay down. Insidious things they are, making the lid appear balanced after you lift it just long enough to entice you to let go, thereby coming down mid-flow, splashing the unsuspecting male with a high tide like urine mark across his pants. No wonder some guys just piss on the top. As I see it, men have two choices. You can either hold the seat with one hand, or sit and piss, which I refuse. I will not of my own free will give up my natural right to stand up while I urinate. God himself has given me the ability to write my name in the snow, and you'll never take it away. Anyway, I'm convinced a woman invented lid covers as revenge for the last 10,000 years of male oppression. Ok, ok ladies. You win. We're sorry. Please, I beg you. Stop using them.